November 14th, 2012 by Kim

How are you supposed to feel when that letter arrives. The official letter notifying you of the intent of the State to proceed with criminal charges with your name on it. I’ve sort of been avoiding thinking about it, since the letter arrived last Monday.

I want to say: isn’t it enough? Isn’t it enough, that I pulled his little body from the car window, and I watched and prayed and pleaded to God on that winding road for the life of my 5 year old boy that day?

Isn’t it enough that I got his 9 year old brother to pray and plead to God as well. That all I could do as we watched his body broken and bleeding all over the county road was SCREAM prayers and give my own shirt to cover and try to stop the relentless bleeding.

Isn’t it enough that once I regained consciousness in the ICU of a hospital 150 miles away from that bleeding 5 year old, I was told that my 12 year old girl , was in surgery for a broken arm and leg. Alone. at a hospital 90 miles away. Having surgery from a broken arm and leg from the car I was driving.

And that, that 9 year old boy who prayed with his mom on that road was now without either of his parents at a camp also far away.

It seems like it is enough to me. In my mind, I’m  already charged and convicted. so these papers are just the formality of getting it out of my head and onto paper. The formality of actually saying the truth of what happened instead of making it all seem so nice. Even though honestly, I just don’t know what happened. I don’t know how I lost control of the car? Would it help me if I did know? Part of me thinks it would. However, it doesn’t change the end results.

There is a crime.”causing bodily harm to others”. Parts of it are easy to see. No one will argue the crime of children suffering so helplessly. And other parts are cloudy and hard to understand. It doesn’t matter that it was unintentional, still I am the one responsible. I was the one driving. It was my car that lost control. and, I am the one officially charged.

Does it make it any better that it is not the individuals who are seeking justice, but the state? And what about my children. If I were not the driver, If their mother was not the one causing their pain, would they want justice too? I don’t have an answer. Not yet anyway.

I am told this is normal for Slovakia; it is their system. Is it supposed to make me feel better?

So with this official letter, now I have official representation and together I go into the next phase of this long journey. a journey i would rather be finishing up rather than just getting started.

It feels like it is enough. i don’t like all the vivid memories. pictures imprinted in my head. i don’t like how my mind calls them up, whenever letters arrive or appointment are made. they keep me awake at night and invade my peace.

so i keep reading god’s word. studying his word. meditating on his words. and upon mediating, understanding better the character of God. the God who loves me. who relentlessly pursues me with grace and mercy. he is before all things and by him all things hold together. Like glue. In my brokenness, He holds me together.